Today I am 39 weeks pregnant. Here are some things:
1) I am sick of food and eating (and cooking and shopping). But I’m still hungry. Finding a healthy snack every 2-3 hours for 9+ months is a big job. I’m ready for a sabbatical. But I don’t expect one because nursing requires even more calories than pregnancy.
2) I really never thought my belly could be this big.
3) I don’t like my photo to be taken to begin with. I like it even less while pregnant.
4) I haven’t told people a “due date”. This is because I don’t like due dates. I think they put undue pressure on me and baby to perform on a certain day or meet a deadline. The reality is, once you get to 37 weeks (full-term), there’s not really a “late” (unless it’s really late, and causing problems, which happens, but is rare) or “early”. Baby will come at the right time. Which could be tomorrow, or three weeks from now.
5) It is amazing to me how many people either CANNOT understand #4, or cannot stand it that I won’t tell them a date. I don’t think it’s all that weird, but apparently not sharing a “due date” is just not done. I guess I’m that weird. But come on, I just told you that I’m 39 weeks — do the math.
6) I’m kindof creeped out by the idea of putting my baby’s name and photos on facebook. I don’t think I want to.
7) It’s disconcerting to feel one’s belly resting on one’s thighs while sitting down.
8) It’s disconcerting to weigh the same as my husband. Me + 25 lbs = Him.
9) People keep asking me if I’m scared. I’m not scared right now. Do you want me to be?
10) People will say CRAZY things to pregnant ladies.
11) The following is a true story: I am at Whole Foods, minding my own business in the bulk bean aisle, when a man, aged approximately 40 – 45, approaches pushing a buggy with two little girls in it. I don’t really pay attention to him until I find him next to me saying, “Just REMEMBER, it’s GONNA HURT. But those drugs they give you, those are awesome. Those epidermals (yes, he did actually say “epidermals.” dumbass.), you definitely want those. Until you get the bill for them. Then they just hurt all over again.” And inside myself I have a quick little inner dialogue in which I weigh option 1, which is to spew a hot stream of verbal violence all over this guy; or 2, which is to walk away quickly. I walk away, wishing I were spewing verbal violence. ….What a jerk.
12) The following is also true: I am at the hardware store, waiting in line to check out. A woman is in front of me in line with her toddler son in a stroller. The little boy throws a toy onto the floor. I bend over and pick it up. Instead of saying thanks, the mother says to me: Can you even bend over still? …….Ohmylord.
13) People also say really nice things to pregnant ladies.
14) One of my favorite nice things has been: “You look great. You look healthy.” said with sincerity. Thank you, I am healthy, say I.
15) Another of my favorite nice things has been: “You look like a happy mama. You wear it well.” Thank you, I am happy, say I.
16) Sometimes people want to give you extra gelato samples when you’re pregnant. My advice is to accept.
17) Sometimes I can tell that people feel sorry for me when they see me, because I am a small-ish woman carrying a regular-sized baby, and I admit, it does look a little ridiculous and uncomfortable.
18) If your Babydaddy can give good massages AND install carseats properly without the help of the police, then you know you snagged a keeper.
19) I haven’t read “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” probably for the same reasons I won’t tell you a due date.
20) Babydaddy and I (GASP!) haven’t taken any childbirth classes. Except for one afternoon of “Yoga and Massage for Labor”, in which Babydaddy learned more massage techniques and I practiced receiving them. We don’t have anything against classes, they just haven’t appealed to us.
21) However, we have read Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth, Birthing From Within, Ina May’s Guide to Breastfeeding, and others, as well as watched numerous dvd’s and videos, and had numerous lengthy conversations with our Midwife. All in all, we feel pretty educated, considering that you can’t really learn to give birth.
22) Babydaddy rented me an inflatable labor tub. It’s called an Ecopool. I hope it doesn’t fall through the floor when he fills it up.
23) Rolling over in bed is interesting when you have little core body strength. Sometimes it makes me feel like Violet Beauregarde in “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” when she eats the Experimental Chewing Gum and turns into a giant blueberry.
24) Apparently, Sophie the Giraffe is the World’s Most Famous Teething Toy. Fortunately she is made of real rubber and not cheapo plastic, which means I actually like her. (See? I don’t just decide not to like/do things just cause everybody else likes/does them. Well, not always.)
25) I feel like I’m getting a PhD in Childhood Vaccinations.
26) I’m feeling very Mammalian. I think if my baby came out right now, I would lick her like a cow-mama or a dog-mama would.
27) Balancing my very earnest desire to respect Baby’s timing with my also-earnest desire to Get-This-Baby-Out is difficult, and Babydaddy sometimes has to talk sense to me about this.
28) At this point, having more than one child is out of the question.
29) Remember the saying about the “Watched Pot”? Well, it applies to end-stage pregnancy. Which is why it’s best if you don’t call me asking When is the Baby Coming. You see, I have a hard enough time not watching my own pot, without you watching it too.
30) Not Pot-Watching is a hard discipline. It helps if you have a friend or a project to distract you.
31) Pregnancy feels strange and, at times, feels difficult. I am completely in love with my baby and that is a feeling too. I put these two things together because somehow they combine to make something really big, bigger than a Feeling – maybe a Doing or a Choosing. This is vague because I don’t really understand it all yet.
32) I wish I had a onesie that says: Here I Am Rock You Like a Hurricane.
33) I have one pair of pants that I wear most days, and that is the only pair of pants I’m interested in wearing because it is the only pair of pants that I do not have to constantly hike up. And those are my GapMaternity yoga pants. They are black and I mostly look like a frumpy pregnant person in sweatpants. But I don’t wear them out. Except to yoga. But really if you are pregnant and don’t have a well-endowed ass to hold your pants up then you are pretty much screwed in the cute pants department.
34) Here’s what I recommend: If you are pregnant, invite your mom and a favorite aunt come to visit you. They will decorate your nursery, sew things for you, clean your house, fill your fridge, feed you, rub your back, and run you a bath. At least this has been my experience.
35) Pregnancy hormones make moles grow. It’s embarrassing really.
36) The reading of Serious Pregnancy Literature should be balanced out with equal amounts of Fiction, Interesting Non-Fiction, Science Fiction, and other light-hearted reading. If you’re pregnant, you’re pregnant every minute. It’s ok to give your intellect a break from pregnancy since you can’t give your body one.
37) Even though I’m sick of eating right now, I still believe that eating well is the foundation of a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby and a healthy labor and birth. I believe this both intuitively and scientifically, both as Mother and as Nutritionist, and for the most part, am not willing to cut corners in this regard.
38) My freezer is full of food. Nothing else can fit in there.
39) The other night I dreamed that my baby’s hand was sticking out (of you-know-where) waving, but she wasn’t actually planning to come out at that point. Little chump, teasing us with a glimpse of chubby knuckle.